“He who withholds the rod [of discipline] hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines and trains him diligently and appropriately [with wisdom and love].” — Proverbs 13:24 (AMP)
This is one of the most quoted—and perhaps most misunderstood—verses on parenting. For generations, “the rod” has been narrowly interpreted as a justification for corporal punishment. Yet in its original context, the rod was never intended as a weapon of cruelty, but as a shepherd’s tool of guidance, correction, and protection.
What Discipline Really Means
Discipline is not a whip; it is a compass. It is the patient and intentional process of guiding, training, encouraging, and modeling values that equip a child with tools for life. It focuses not just on stopping unwanted behavior in the moment but on shaping character and resilience for the future.
Punishment, on the other hand, is reactive. It focuses on making a child suffer for their mistake instead of teaching them how not to repeat it. While discipline leads the way with clarity and wisdom, punishment follows with fear and scars that often last into adulthood.
The Lasting Impact of Discipline vs Punishment
A disciplined child learns problem-solving and life skills—like conflict resolution, responsibility, and critical thinking—that they will carry into friendships, marriages, workplaces, and society. A punished child, however, learns fear without acquiring wisdom.
A child who is caned for fighting may stop for the moment, but they never learn to express anger constructively or resolve disagreements peacefully. In adulthood, those suppressed emotions may resurface in unhealthy ways, from aggression to anxiety. Research confirms this: a 2016 report by the American Academy of Pediatrics found that corporal punishment not only fails to improve long-term behavior but actually increases aggression, antisocial behavior, and mental health struggles.
When Punishment Becomes Trauma (ACEs)
Punishment taken to extremes often crosses into the territory of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). ACEs are traumatic or stressful events in childhood such as abuse, neglect, exposure to violence, parental separation, poverty, or growing up with caregivers struggling with addiction or mental illness. They leave deep emotional wounds that may last a lifetime.
Corporal punishment – Harsh beatings, repeated caning, or physical harm may create fear rather than respect. A child learns to associate authority with pain, which can result in anxiety, aggression, or withdrawal later in life.
Emotional punishment – Denial of love, affection, or affirmation (“I don’t love you anymore,” silent treatment, or constant criticism) may leave children feeling unloved and unwanted. This damages self-esteem and can lead to depression or struggles in forming healthy relationships.
Public humiliation – Shaming a child in front of peers or siblings can cause long-lasting feelings of worthlessness. Such humiliation often resurfaces as social anxiety or difficulty with self-confidence in adulthood.
Unfair comparisons or rejection – Constantly comparing one child negatively to another (“Why can’t you be like your brother?”) can create resentment, low self-worth, and sibling rivalry.
Withholding basic needs as punishment – Refusing meals, locking a child out, or denying education as a form of discipline crosses into neglect and leaves long-term trauma.
In all these cases, the intended “discipline” does not teach values but instead produces toxic stress—the very foundation of ACEs. Over time, this stress can rewire the child’s brain, affecting how they process emotions, handle stress, and even impact their physical health.
These aren’t just emotional injuries. ACEs literally rewire a child’s brain, altering how they process stress and emotions. Over time, this toxic stress can also affect physical health, raising risks of heart disease, diabetes, weakened immunity, and more.
Research shows that ACEs increase the risk of anxiety, depression, addiction, low self-esteem, and difficulties in relationships. They can also lead to physical health problems such as heart disease, diabetes, and weakened immunity. In fact, ACEs don’t just impact the mind—they shape the entire body and how it responds to stress.
The good news is that healing is possible. With awareness, therapy, supportive relationships, faith, and trauma-informed parenting, people can break free from the cycle and build resilience.
Children, Like Adults, Make Mistakes Too
Think about it: we adults drop phones, misplace keys, speak out of turn, arrive late for flights, or even cause accidents by failing to pay attention. Would we want to be whipped for every mistake? No, we would rather learn, correct, and move forward.
Children, like adults, deserve the same grace. Mistakes are part of learning. Yet often, instead of teaching, parents lash out. Why? Because they assume the child “should have known better.” But how was the child to know if no one ever explained?
Ask yourself as a parent:
- Have you discussed the issue clearly with your child so they understand, rather than just obeying out of fear?
- Did you explain the consequences in a way that builds wisdom, or did you use threats and intimidation that only produced terror?
- Are you raising problem-solvers who think critically, or fearful individuals who avoid mistakes at all costs but lack life skills?
In my own coaching experience, I’ve seen young adults crippled by decision-making anxiety—not because they lacked intelligence, but because they were raised under punishment rather than discipline. They grew up terrified of mistakes, unable to take initiative. It takes years of unlearning to restore confidence.
The Wider Circle of Influence
Another challenge parents face is the wider circle of influence. Parenting does not happen in isolation. Beyond the home, children are influenced by a range of individuals, including teachers, relatives, caregivers, religious leaders, neighbors, and even the media.
Each of these people has the power to shape your child’s worldview, either reinforcing the values you are instilling—or undermining them.
Unfortunately, some still rely on outdated methods like shouting, humiliation, or corporal punishment, which can undo the loving guidance you provide at home.
The way forward is open communication: share your parenting philosophy, set clear boundaries, advocate for teaching over punishment, and model positive discipline so others can see its effectiveness.
So what can you do? The answer lies in open communication and advocacy.
- Share your parenting philosophy with teachers, relatives, and caregivers.
- Clearly communicate the boundaries for how your child should be corrected.
- Advocate for teaching, guiding, and nurturing rather than punishment.
- Model positive discipline so others see its effectiveness in action.
- By doing so, you create a consistent environment for your child—one where correction is done with love, guidance, and respect, rather than fear or shame.
A Real-Life Example
One parent once shared how their son, struggling in school, had been regularly punished with caning and humiliation. The boy became withdrawn, fearful of mistakes, and his grades declined. But when the parent intervened, asking the teacher to use encouragement and guided correction instead, everything changed. Within months, the child grew confident, engaged in class, and his academic performance improved.
The shift proved what research and wisdom both affirm: discipline builds, while punishment breaks.
The Final Question: Which Route Will You Take?
Are you raising resilient problem-solvers with life skills, or fearful adults who lack confidence and initiative? Discipline empowers. Punishment disempowers. Discipline prepares a child for the future. Punishment chains them to the pain of the past.
As one wise parent put it: “Discipline is teaching a child how to fish. Punishment is taking away the fishing rod and leaving them hungry.”
The choice is yours. Which route will you take?
Learn more at Nourish and Flourish Parenting Resources
